Holding Space for Trauma

What does it mean to hold space for yourself or someone else? Holding space for myself means to allow myself to experience whatever it is I am feeling without resistance. To become water in the intense feelings that recovering from trauma can create. Holding space for others means to allow them to feel whatever they feel without judgment. To think and to share their thoughts about their experiences without trying to guide them to the destination that you think is best for them. To simply allow yourself or others to sit in the darkness trauma creates and to know that it is not the space that is intended to be forever provides an opportunity for growth. Simply put, it is up to the individual to choose to avoid or embrace the lessons that trauma has to offer. Though to me it goes without saying, it should be called out that holding space does not mean allowing harm to others or yourself, that is the resistance to the pain of experiences as it has become unbearable, and requires support that is not the same as holding space. 

It is the quiet moments when the memories of trauma come in that are the most unsettling. Because that quiet is like an open door inviting in a tsunami of memories flooding me and causing my breath to catch. The surge of memories accompanied by emotions create a chaotic pool of unpleasant sensations. The initial response is to suppress, ignore, forget. Leave what is in the past there, let it die and decompose as each season passes. But I have found that they don’t stop visiting until I listen to what it is they are trying to say.They want to come in, and be given a proper funeral. Inviting traumatic memories to sit down with you is counterintuitive to the healing process, and many find it an unsavory topic. Yet, I wonder, how many of us are walking around with these memories tucked away waiting for their moment to reemerge and demand that we look deep within ourselves to decide what we will do with these experiences. 

There is no way one can know the timeline for healing. Unlike an injured physical body, there is yet to be a way to determine the damage that is done to the soul of an individual. Not to say we cannot see that someone has been harmed by trauma, but rather how that trauma has infused into the individual. And in our efforts to support others, sometimes we push them further into that entangled relationship with the past. It is easy to formulate a path for others when you only see the experience and not the feelings that accompanied it. This is where holding space can become invaluable in an attempt to support others or self. To provide a space where there are no agendas allows for the lesson to emerge. Just like individuals are unique, the way we heal is tailored specifically to who we are, how we want to wear the scars, to who we want to become. 

Immediately after the trauma I experienced I was incapable of holding space for myself. It was raw, unnerving, and incredibly painful. Instead of sitting with the memories and accompanying feelings, I sought to become busy. Busy cleaning, reading, pacing. Anything to deter my mind from allowing the memories to come in. As one would expect, they came regardless. Breakdowns, tears, fear, anxiety, and flustered panic accompanied the memories. For days on end I would push them aside, fill my mind and body with music, intoxicants, movement. Then would come the exhaustion. I could resist no longer, and I would sit and be at the mercy of the memories and feelings. This cycle was how I lived each day, and each night the exhaustion and visits would rob me of my sleep until I became hollow and too weak to process anything other than that I was hurt, sad, and broken. It was in those moments I began to break down the feelings, look at the experiences, and truly hold space for myself and my pain. 

Despair is probably the closest word to describe the aftermath of trauma. The void of hope coupled with the pain of loss creates a space of great darkness, and once you have been in that darkness, you come to recognize it in others. For those who have for better or for worse successfully resisted that space, or denied its existence to avoid deep pain it can be very uncomfortable to be in the presence of that darkness. That darkness commands that you look at it, feel it, and is ever persistent even years later that you come to know what it is trying to teach you. That darkness is not separate from you, it is a part of you, the part that begs that you create a purpose in its existence. Assign a role in the foundation of who you are. It is because of this personal intimacy that no one aside from who experiences it can determine what it will become. And just like we change and evolve, so does the relationship we hold with trauma. It is fluid through the process of understanding it. It is a trigger, a burden, a lesson, and a pillar of strength. It is also multifaceted, with each new angle a new lesson emerges. 

My own relationship with trauma is long lived. I have endured a lifetime of experiences that attempted to etch away at my soul, leaving me battered and afraid. I don’t say this to evoke a sense of pity, or to be assigned victimhood, but to express that the darkness and I have known each other in many different ways throughout my life. This by no means makes me an expert on anyone’s trauma other than my own, but it does mean that I have a profound awareness of how significant holding space through my healing has been to utilize it to become the version of myself that I desire to be. It has also taught me that holding space for others requires that we cast aside our opinions, and simply create a presence of safety to allow them to sit with that darkness, to feel and think whatever it is that comes without judgment. Those that have been capable of holding space for me don’t always have the ability to hold that space. Just as I at times am resistant to holding space for myself. This is why it is impossible to know how long one should work through anything, and why learning to hold space for yourself and others is invaluable to personal growth. 

The magnitude of the impact that trauma causes an individual varies greatly from person to person. What might be seen as miniscule to one, is profoundly impacting to another. This is why the simple act of holding space creates a non-biased environment for one to embrace full understanding of their experiences. Allowing yourself and others to simply be where they are and feel what they are feeling creates a space where understanding can grow and where forgiveness for self, others, and situation can truly be felt. The more we learn to hold space for ourselves, the better we become at holding space for others.