Solitude

Solitude. Over the last few years I have become the master of living alone. Well alone with children. While many people think that as long as there is somebody in your household you are never truly alone, what they fail to realize is that when you are the parent, there is no one to lean on when things get tough. Granted you can vent to friends, family, coworkers, but at the end of the day the burden of struggles is yours and yours alone. There is no shoulder to cry on or hands to rub away aches aside from your own. While I generally take pride in my ability to handle life’s challenges, there are times where life kicks my feet out from underneath me and I am left winded, shocked, and in a state of hopelessness. These are the times that I struggle with. I still have to be cook, nurse, confidant, and mom, but all I want to do is lick my wounds and regroup. That’s when I jump on the pity train, who is my confidant? Who has my back? Who is going to give me a minute to gather my thoughts and formulate a plan? The honest answer is nobody. These are the times I grow despondent, spend my nights trying to find solutions instead of sleep, cry silently in the bathroom, or while driving to work. These are the times that I resent my solitude and pull out the brick and mortar to strengthen the wall that surrounds my heart. I can’t feel despair and function as I need to, I can’t be the mother I need to be if I allow these pestering emotions to seep through. So I add another layer and just keep moving forward.

Then there comes the moments where you think, maybe this individual is someone I could share some time with. The reality however is that through years of brick and mortar the actuality I will start the deconstruction of my walls for a maybe doesn’t outweigh the risk of emotional collapse, and that is something as a mother I cannot afford to risk. So I sit here thinking, thinking, thinking…

Bittersweet solitude, it gives me the strength to persevere, but slowly chokes the life out of my heart. Silent tears the closest thing to relief, and my mantra, just keep moving forward. Forward.

Is it worth it? When I see my children blossoming into wonderful people full of love, laughter, confidence, all I can say is, I would die inside a thousand times over if it would better their lives. While I get how that can sound like a contradiction, I don’t see that it is. I preserve, all the while parts of my heart withering, crying out, but silently I continue to move forward so that they can prosper. So I will continue with my silence, calmly embracing the ever stronger presence of solitude. The tremendous silence of my solitude.